Thoughts on Self-Esteem

[sarahmichigan]

this is a slightly modified version of a comment I made in a friend's journal about what your self-esteem should be based on:

I think everyone starts out with inherent value, but I DO think that at least part of your self esteem is AND SHOULD BE based on what you do. If you go around chanting New Age self-affirmations about "I'm so special, I'm an awesome writer, I am sleek and fit" but you don't actually DO anything special, never try to write anything and get it published, and never work out-- you're puffing yourself up with false self-esteem.

If you DO lots of volunteer work, write often but only get published once in a while in small, local presses, and work out 3-4 times a week, but beat yourself up for not doing as well as persons X or Y, then you have falsely low self-esteem and shouldn't be comparing yourself to others.

If your esteem of yourself matches your accomplishments, accomplishments that YOU have decided are important and realistic for you and NOT in comparison to others, then I think you'd have an appropriate sense of self esteem.

----

Thoughts?

Comments

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if we're on the same page with our starting terms (i.e. self-assessment).

Of course, you can't assess your accomplishments in a vacuum. We put children in classes with children of a similar age and compare them on tests, grading on the bell curve. It's useful to know how you stack up with other people so you can set goals for yourself.

However, there are always exceptions: blind kids or dyslexics often get special accommodations on tests (for instance, having the questions read out loud to them), and kids with developmental disabilities are in classes with other kids with similar learning difficulties.

I also think it's more useful to compare yourself now to how you were X, Y or Z years ago than it is to compare yourself to others.

Example: in high school, in gym class, I got a C because I was terrible at gymnastics-- uncoordinated, afraid of heights, not great balance. I tried my hardest but I wasn't very good compared to other kids. This was a terrible, humiliating experience.

Contrast that with my junior high gym teacher, who had us do a 6-week program where we started out with tests of flexibility and strength and so on, then worked on certain skills and re-tested 6 weeks later (it might have been 8 weeks, but I think you get the idea). I was thrilled that I was so much more flexible by the end of the program, compared to where *I* was earlier in the semester, even if I wasn't that athletic compared to other kids. This was an affirming experience, not a humiliating one.

The high school experience made me feel discouraged about ever wanting to be more athletic, because what's the point if I'll still be terrible compared to other people? The junior high experience made me feel hopeful that I could continue to improve my fitness level, even if I never was one of the super-athletes.

[chimalis.livejournal.com]

I guess that's what matters, then, is pushing yourself towards healthy assessment routines and healthy goal-setting, instead of pushing yourself toward the goals of others and toward besting those around you. I think healthy self-esteem is mostly a byproduct - of healthy thinking habits and living habits - than a product on its own, that you try for. What I mean is, it should take care of itself if you're doing everything else right.