Thoughts on Self-Esteem

[sarahmichigan]

this is a slightly modified version of a comment I made in a friend's journal about what your self-esteem should be based on:

I think everyone starts out with inherent value, but I DO think that at least part of your self esteem is AND SHOULD BE based on what you do. If you go around chanting New Age self-affirmations about "I'm so special, I'm an awesome writer, I am sleek and fit" but you don't actually DO anything special, never try to write anything and get it published, and never work out-- you're puffing yourself up with false self-esteem.

If you DO lots of volunteer work, write often but only get published once in a while in small, local presses, and work out 3-4 times a week, but beat yourself up for not doing as well as persons X or Y, then you have falsely low self-esteem and shouldn't be comparing yourself to others.

If your esteem of yourself matches your accomplishments, accomplishments that YOU have decided are important and realistic for you and NOT in comparison to others, then I think you'd have an appropriate sense of self esteem.

----

Thoughts?

Comments

[purple-marf.livejournal.com]

Sounds about right to me.

Though I'll throw in that evaluation of your self-appointed goals and priorities really has to be an ongoing and honest exercise. I've found myself having achieved certain things, and not understanding why I wasn't happy, because my goals hadn't been defined quite right (or what I wanted ended up kinda sucking).

I was going to say that we kinda of HAVE to compare ourselves to others, just for new ideas. But I think you worded it right, after all. You can observe what other people are doing, see the good/bad effects their choices have on their lives, and maybe that'll give you some impetus toward or away from those goals. Definitely a different process than overlaying their life over yours and trying to score things somehow. ;)

[cjdoyle.livejournal.com]

In general I agree, but if accomplishments are to be based on what an individual has decided are important and not in comparison to others...how can you ever have false self-esteem? Doesn't that require an outside someone disagreeing with those self-determined milemarkers?

[theal8r.livejournal.com]

no, I don't think so. I think we can voice our own "what ifs" or "what abouts" simply by having an over-extended life.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of a situation where you have a sort of puffed-up self of self esteem because you keep telling yourself you're great and have accomplished a lot, but you have a nagging feeling, underneath, that your self-esteem is shaky because you know, somewhere inside, that you haven't really been trying to do much of anything.

Kids are often told they're "special" and "wonderful" and "smart" but they haven't really done much to earn those accolades. Those children know, somewhere inside, that while they might have the *potential* to be special and smart, they haven't actually earned it yet.

I think it's not so much comparing yourself to others as comparing your sense of self-worth to your own set of values and ideals for yourself, and deciding whether they're a good match or if there's a dissonance.

Not sure if that makes any sense...

[cjdoyle.livejournal.com]

That does clarify things - thanks.

[theal8r.livejournal.com]

I also think that we frequently "over goal" ourselves. Or maybe that's just me. I can't work at the shop, volunteer at my kids' schools, volunteer in the community, spend time with bg, write, slam, cook, keep my house clean and all that other crap. But I still feel bad for it, especially when I just spent an hour or two reading a book or playing a video game "instead of..."

how you train people out of that, I don't know.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

there is certainly a danger in basing your self-esteem on your accomplishments if you tend toward perfectionism.

[aackthpt.livejournal.com]

*raises hand*

[lefthand.livejournal.com]

The people I know with the best self-esteem are jailed criminals. They are wonderful and the rest of the world sucks.
Self-Esteem without accomplishment is foolish vanity. Vanity pushed hard often turns to violence.

[chimalis.livejournal.com]

I guess the problem with this scenario -- If your accomplishments match your assessment of them, then proceed to healthy self-esteem -- is that I have no judgment but my own to assess whether I am properly assessing my accomplishments. I have no way of knowing whether my self-assessment skills are as honed as my skills at assessing others. And I have no way of knowing whether my self-esteem is off because I am underassessing my accomplishments, overassessing my accomplishments, or whether my assessment of what healthy self-esteem is is over- or underestimated, or ...

Seems like self-judgment is completely subjective ... and there's nothing to use as a metric but self-judgment.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if we're on the same page with our starting terms (i.e. self-assessment).

Of course, you can't assess your accomplishments in a vacuum. We put children in classes with children of a similar age and compare them on tests, grading on the bell curve. It's useful to know how you stack up with other people so you can set goals for yourself.

However, there are always exceptions: blind kids or dyslexics often get special accommodations on tests (for instance, having the questions read out loud to them), and kids with developmental disabilities are in classes with other kids with similar learning difficulties.

I also think it's more useful to compare yourself now to how you were X, Y or Z years ago than it is to compare yourself to others.

Example: in high school, in gym class, I got a C because I was terrible at gymnastics-- uncoordinated, afraid of heights, not great balance. I tried my hardest but I wasn't very good compared to other kids. This was a terrible, humiliating experience.

Contrast that with my junior high gym teacher, who had us do a 6-week program where we started out with tests of flexibility and strength and so on, then worked on certain skills and re-tested 6 weeks later (it might have been 8 weeks, but I think you get the idea). I was thrilled that I was so much more flexible by the end of the program, compared to where *I* was earlier in the semester, even if I wasn't that athletic compared to other kids. This was an affirming experience, not a humiliating one.

The high school experience made me feel discouraged about ever wanting to be more athletic, because what's the point if I'll still be terrible compared to other people? The junior high experience made me feel hopeful that I could continue to improve my fitness level, even if I never was one of the super-athletes.

[chimalis.livejournal.com]

I guess that's what matters, then, is pushing yourself towards healthy assessment routines and healthy goal-setting, instead of pushing yourself toward the goals of others and toward besting those around you. I think healthy self-esteem is mostly a byproduct - of healthy thinking habits and living habits - than a product on its own, that you try for. What I mean is, it should take care of itself if you're doing everything else right.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_earthshine_/]

Seems 'bout right on a first pass.

The only thing I'd caveat is the danger of associating self-esteem with accomplishment, as opposed to maybe with something more like genuine intention. This seems especially true for artists (of all types), wherein "accomplishment" often gets tied to more earthly ideas like "success" or "recognition".

I guess what I'm saying is that self-esteem may be more transcendant than self-image. One can make image statements about what they're good at or what they've accomplished, but whether or not they love or value themselves shouldn't depend on that stuff.

*shrug* It may be semantic. Either way, though, I think striking the balance you're talking about is important. One needs to be realistic with oneself, but also supportive of ones own faults. ...and that's often very very hard... :)

[guttaperk.livejournal.com]

I agree with you more than I can express. In fact, I'd take it even further.

I'd say that vanity and self-loathing are flip sides of the same emotionalistic error; self-centredness.

Self-esteem movements too often seem to wish to exchange one error for another, instead of educating the sufferer in the virtues (and joys) of work and love ethics.