Thinky thoughts inspired by a few recent conversations

[sarahmichigan]

1. I know I sometimes come off as a know-it-all, but I'm perfectly aware of the fact that there are many areas where I don't know enough to have an informed opinion. This is true of factual/scientific/academic issues, but I think this is especially true of passing judgment on other people's romantic and familial relationships. I think the only people who *truly* know what's going on in a family or a couple are the people in that family/relationship.

2. I've heard it said that if one person says something critical to you about your behavior/habits/relationship, then you should take it with a grain of salt, but if several people point out the same problems/issues, then you should take note. Do you think that's true? I tend to think that has *some* truth in it, at least.

3. If you know that you're prone to making bad judgements in one or more area of your life, how do you protect yourself from those kind of errors without paralyzing yourself and being afraid to do anything at all? I know some people have appointed friends to alert them when they're going off the deep end with some project or passion and some people who have a best friend whose opinion they seek on all relationships because they're prone to not noticing relationship red flags and so on until it's too late. What do you think works and what doesn't in this sort of situation?

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_earthshine_/]

re 2 and 3: I'm a big believer in the philosophy that "a wise man takes everyone's advise, but only follows his own".

I will generally take -- meaning listen to -- all the advice offered me (time permitting). I try not to take offense if someone's suggesting something about me or whatever so long as it's meant well (although if it's clear that they have an incorrect picture of me i will usually try to speak to that). I try to hear folks out. Even if 90% of it is crap and/or stuff i've already heard or thought of, there may be a gem or fresh wisdom or perspective in it.

In the end, i consider everything i've been given, accounting for its source if necessary, and try to really make my own decision based on what i've got. I sometimes think that we really must do this, even if it turns out wrong, because afterwards i think it's important that we can really feel like we did what we thought was best. Often, it's the only consolation we can have. :)

it's important that we can really feel like we did what we thought was best

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

True, very true.

[purple-marf.livejournal.com]

2. On the other hand, you and I have been in online communities enough to have seen people lump together in a great mooing stampede to get behind one idea or another. Sometimes for valid reasons, sometimes just because someone had a pithy one-liner.

3. This seems to be 100% learning to be honest with yourself. I'm no pro, but I try to pay attention to when I'm justifying, rationalizing, and overall bullshitting myself. I'm not sure anything else is really going to be effective.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

2: I was thinking more about real-life acquaintances and friends. I don't think people you only talk to on-line have enough perspective on your life to really pass judgment. If one acquaintance mentions a personality trait in me they find grating, I will consider it but not too seriously. If a second person independently brings it up, I would take that more seriously.

3. That seems right, but I'm not sure how one teaches oneself that. If you don't trust your judgment to begin with, how can you trust that you're being 100 percent honest and are catching all your rationalizations? An example: I think I'm actually a pretty good judge of character and have often been wary of someone with no really reason to, only to find out later that I had good reason to mistrust him/her. However, I still get blind-sided on occasion.

[purple-marf.livejournal.com]

2. Now I understand what you were getting at, I think it's a good approach.

3. I'll never catch 100%, but I'm trying to allow myself to be wrong sometimes without too much self-browbeating. I still believe the only way to deal with this one is to be consistently mindful of my motivations, and I'll just gain skill over time at seeing through my own BS.

I guess I'm always afraid I'll only tell/show my friends the facts that support my conclusion. I can only trust their observations as far as I can trust my own truthfulness with them (sometimes I realize I've done this, and then I wonder how often I do it without realizing?).

[custardfairy.livejournal.com]

Trusting my judgement doesn't mean that I still won't make decisions that turn out badly for me. It sucks, but it's true. I don't know if people can be 100% honest with yourself all the time, though hind sight often comes into effect.

I think part of life is being blind-sided at times. I'm a terrible judge of character, but 9 times out of 10 I still manage to befriend very awesome people. Call it luck, if you will. :)

[custardfairy.livejournal.com]

yourself = themselves

Oh god, I hate multitasking.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

heh. I knew what you meant.

Dammit, you mean I can't make perfectly logical decisions that work out perfectly 100 percent of the time?!

[custardfairy.livejournal.com]

Alas! It is not to be!

But it would make life very predictable, so maybe it's not so great. ;)

[lefthand.livejournal.com]

1. The people in a relationship have an opinion on what is really going on. Frequently, they are wrong and don't know it. This is a source of many regrets.

2. Complication: Friends frequently will say nothing about major things, for fear of screwing up the relationship. For a real clear perspective, check with people who don't like you. Chances are they have clear vision of your flaws. If you are loathe to talk to to such people, simply watch what behaviors piss you off about other people. Chances are that you have some of those flaws yourself (signed, a known big-mouth)

3. Check your ideas with people who's opinion you respect and be willing to accept it (there are few things more unpleasant than getting asked for an honest opinion and then getting skewered for it) at face value. I generally check new play-partners with sweetie because she can and will give a fair evaluation. I try to keep in mind that if I ask for advise, I need to be willing to do something about it.

[mogwar.livejournal.com]

Maybe my friends are just particularly honest or mean or something, but I can't really think of any who I cannot trust to give me the absolute truth even if it's not something I want to hear. Now, the people who dislike me have been known to lie to me or about me in the past, simply in an attempt to hurt me, so I'd really rather not give any of them to opportunity to do so again in the future. I'll stick to the people I trust to have my best interests at heart. It may be cynical, but it works for me. And my life is infinitely better now that I've taken as many steps as I can to cut out those people who continued to deliberately cause me harm.